


Hard to Get

by stanground



Category: South Park
Genre: M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-13
Updated: 2018-03-12
Packaged: 2019-03-17 15:38:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13662018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stanground/pseuds/stanground
Summary: "So what’s his type, should I get him a brunette or maybe someone to play hard to get?”“Oh no,” Butters said, looking over at his friend who was excitedly reading through the menu. “You don’t play hard to get with Kenny, his life’s hard enough as is.”





	1. Welcome to Raisins

**Author's Note:**

> I did not proofread this yet  
> Please have mercy LOL

“Okay class, sit down. We have a new student starting today and I want you all to try to act like normal children. Please welcome Mercedes uh,” Mr. Garrison squinted at the roll call sheet, “Geez, what kind of a last name is that?”

“It’s actually-” The blonde began, trying to spare both the teacher and herself the rapidly intensifying embarrassment brought about by the ordeal. 

“Mercedes, why don’t you just take a seat next to Butters over there. Now class, last week we started talking about economics, now which fat money-grubbing-” 

Mercedes made her way over and sat next to the blonde in the teal sweater and offered a smile his way. “Hey there, don’t I know you?” 

Butters blushed, not because he was flustered, but rather that he felt embarrassed over the circumstances of which he definitely did, in fact, know her. “I- uh, well geez, I don’t know…” He stammered as he rubbed his knuckles together nervously. 

  
“BUTTERS, QUIET!” Mr. Garrison scolded before he turned back to the blackboard, “Regis Philbin is a goddamn fraud and who can tell me…”   
Butters slumped in his desk, thankful that a scolding was all he got from his little indiscretion. He grabbed his pencil and started taking notes about how “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” was rigged and the various conspiracies behind whatever cable game shows most recently insulted his teacher’s intelligence. However, it grew increasingly difficult to pay any attention when the blonde sitting next to him kept whispering “psst!” and kicking the leg of his chair every fourteen seconds. As rude as it may have felt to ignore her, it wasn’t worth risking detention or even worse, getting grounded should his father find out about his bad behavior. 

After what felt like an eternity, the bell rang for lunch and Butters tried his best to conceal the urge to shout “Hallelujah!” as he clumsily bolted for the door. 

“Wonder what his deal is.” Stan remarked as he grabbed the lunch money from his backpack. 

“Heh, probably-” Cartman began, a snarky insult undoubtedly locked and loaded. 

“Hey fatass, you should go too, he probably wants to be at the front of the line for pizza.” Kyle interjected. 

“‘EY! I AM NOT-” He stopped. “Wait, it’s pizza day?” 

“Yeah, he’s probably in a hurry since they ran out last week while you were gone. They had to give everyone vegan food after, people were pissed.” Stan continued as they all made their way to the door. 

“What the- BUTTERS GET BACK HERE!” Cartman barked as he waddle-ran down the hall.

Stan, Kyle and Kenny cackled once he was out of earshot and took their time walking to the cafeteria. 

“How mad do you think he’ll be when he finds out it’s tuna salad day?”

* * *

 

Butters finished his lunch in a hurry, he needed to find somewhere to hide before the new girl could get another look at him and remember where she knew him from. It hadn’t been too long since his humiliating, very public “breakup” with her coworker, Lexus at Raisins. Not only was it beyond embarrassing, but for Butters, it was still a pretty fresh wound, and the last thing he wanted was to be mocked for his broken heart. His ideal hiding place must not have been very secret though, as he turned the corner to the alcove right under the stairs, he realized it was already occupied by the very girl he was trying to avoid. 

“Mercedes?” 

“Oh hey! I’m sorry, is this your spot?” Mercedes immediately began gathering her lunch to evacuate the space.   
“Huh? Wait! Don’t worry! I was just..Well.. What are you doing here?” Butters asked as he sat down next to her, completely setting aside his previous reservations about being recognized. 

“Just having some lunch, what do you think, silly?” She giggled, using her best Raisins voice. 

“Well yeah, but why are you all by yourself? Shouldn’t you go eat with the other girls?” His eyebrows pulled together in concern.

“Oh aren’t you just too cute, don’t you worry about me. Those girls already decided I’m not their type, and that’s perfectly fine with me.” Mercedes smiled. Butters was confused, she genuinely seemed like she didn’t care at all that the girls rejected her as a friend, like being alone didn’t even phase her. “Wait, I know where I know you from!” 

Butters’ stomach dropped, the moment he was trying so hard to avoid was finally there. “Now before you say anything, you should know-” 

“You’re Leopold Stotch! The boy from the state dance competition a couple years ago!” 

“Wait, what?” 

“Yeah! You were a tap dancer right? You kicked your shoe off and, well…” She trailed off with a nervous half-giggle as she brought a hand up to play with her hair. 

“Y-yeah, that’s me. I’ve gotten a lot of therapy for that, i-it was an accident, really!” Butters started panicking, for a completely new reason now. It’s one thing to be known as a pathetic hopeless romantic, but a serial manslaughterer? That’s a tough reputation to try and redeem. 

“You were real talented up there!” She cheered as she put a hand on his shoulder. “You’ve got some great moves, cutie!” 

Butters smiled, both relieved and somewhat concerned that she was able to look past such a traumatic ordeal. “Oh shucks, well, thanks.” He said, bashful as ever. 

“I’ve got an idea, how about you and all your little friends come on over to Raisins after school and we can all hang out?” Mercedes offered excitedly.

“Ohhh no, I know where this is going. I already spent all my money there and I’m not some-” Butters crossed his arms, the jig was up and he would be damned if someone was going to swindle him all over again. It was only just two days prior that he was finally un-grounded over the whole “Lexus” ordeal. 

“What? Oh no, honey, don’t you worry about that! You’ve been so nice and welcoming, you won’t have to pay a penny! Just tell your friends to bring some money and meet you at 3:30, I’ll get you a table!” She assured him. Mercedes was a good hostess, and while she may not have been exceptionally bright, she was a master in the art of flattery. There was no doubt in Butters’ mind that she probably made a few pretty pennies in tips every shift. 

“Oh alright, I’ll talk to those fellas and see you then.” He assured her. 

Soon enough, the bell rang and the two returned to class, their minds buzzing with optimism over their newfound friendship.

* * *

 

Of all the boys in his class, Butters was able to get four to join him at Raisins. Admittedly, it was a bigger turnout than he would have predicted. 

“Come on, fellas, Mercedes already got us a table!” The blonde boy skipped excitedly toward the establishment. 

Cartman, Stan, and Kyle probably couldn’t be less enthused, but that didn’t stop a very giddy Kenny from trailing right behind him and shouting a muffled “Woohoo!”.

“That’s the spirit, Ken!” Butters laughed, linking arms with his friend as they entered the double doors. 

“God, why did we agree to this?” Stan groaned, he couldn’t help but to feel some kind of residual grief from seeing the neon orange sign alone.   
“Because YOU ASSHOLES made me eat tuna salad for lunch! Now I’m getting wings!” Cartman shouted, still fuming over the innocent lunch prank. 

“We didn’t make you do anything, fat boy!” Kyle hollered back. 

“Welcome to Raisins! How many in your party tonight?” The hostess in the front greeted with a cheeky grin. Butters looked around to be sure that his not-ex-girlfriend was nowhere in sight. 

“Oh, uh, there’s five of us, but Mercedes said she already got us a table.” Butters told her politely. 

“Butters! Hey there cutie!” The blonde approached the podium and gave her friend a hug.   
“Hi there! I brought my friends, just like you asked!” He announced. “This is Kenny, and Stan, Kyle and Cartman are on their way.” 

“Awesome! Nice to meet you Kenny! Come right on over, I’ve got you the best table in the house!” Mercedes grabbed five menus and led them over to an empty booth. “I’ll be right back, sweeties.” She put a hand on Kenny’s shoulder before making her way to the back. 

Butters leaned over, “Hey, Mercedes told me that I can eat for free tonight, so I’ve got money I’m not gonna need if you wanna get something.” 

Kenny liked Butters. He didn’t treat him like some charity case or look for some kind of praise when he offered to help him out. As far as Butters was concerned, Kenny wasn’t “the poor kid”, he was just a friend, and that was just something friends do. With a grateful nod, Kenny took the cash before the other boys finally came to the table. 

Cartman took a seat and looked at the menu intently. Kyle had to repress the urge to make a joke about how he probably wasn’t deciding what to get but in what order he wanted everything on the menu. Before long, Mercedes returned with a sweet-looking redhead in tow. 

“Alright, cuties, this is Corvette, she’s gonna be your server tonight!” She announced. 

“You guys can just call me Corie, oh my god, I’m soooo glad you guys came in, everyone else seems super lame!” Corie’s voice was nearly identical to Mercedes, the signature kiss-up tone that made Raisins oh-so successful. “What drinks can I get you started with?” 

“Water for me.” Kenny smiled at her behind his hood, not that she would know. 

“No surprise there…” Cartman muttered under his breath. “Shirley temple, extra whipped cream, and a shit ton of cherries.” He ordered. 

“O-oh! I’ll have that too!” Butters chimed in excitedly, planning to get the most out of his free ride for the night. 

“Can I get a sprite?” Kyle requested. 

“Same here.” Stan muttered, finding himself very easily distracted in a place like this when there was no pesky heartbreak in the way.   
“Alright, I’ll get those to you right away!” Corie put a hand on Kyle’s shoulder before taking the slip back to the kitchen. 

“Hey, can I talk to you for a sec’ over here, sweetie?” Mercedes asked Butters, tapping on his shoulder. 

“Oh sure! One second, fellas, I’ll be right back!” Butters jumped up and followed Mercedes behind the counter. “Everything alright? Oh no, did I go overboard on the drink?” 

“No, no! Don’t you worry about that, I was actually wondering about your cute little friend Kenny. What’s his deal?” She asked, looking over Butters’ shoulder to get a look at the table. 

“H-his deal?” He asked. 

“You know, what’s his type? He just ordered water, he seems like a tough customer and I just wanna make sure I get my best girl for him.” She explained, though the logic made little to no sense at all. 

“Tough customer? For water?” Butters was beyond confused. 

“Well you know, tips keep us in business, and girls can only get tips if customers actually order something, you know what I mean? I just wanna make sure I get the girl that could give him the best experience-” 

“And get him to spend more money.” Butters concluded. 

“Yeah…” Mercedes got quiet, when he put it that way, she couldn’t help but feel somewhat ashamed for even asking. 

“Don’t worry! I get it, this is a business, I’ve run a few myself, there’s no problem with it!” He reassured her.

“Oh I’m so glad you understand! So what’s his type, should I get him a brunette or maybe someone to play hard to get?” 

“Oh no,” Butters said, looking over at his friend who was excitedly looking over the menu. “You don’t play hard to get with Kenny, his life’s hard enough as is.” He couldn’t help but smile when Kenny looked up and waved at him. “The girl with the biggest raisins will probably be the best bet for Kenny. He lives for titties, and he’d probably die for them too.” He said with a light-hearted laugh.   
Mercedes looked over the schedule on the nearby clipboard, trying to restructure the current shift. “Okay, I can work with that, thanks sugar!” 

“Anytime!” Butters nodded and made his way back over to the table his friends seemed to be arguing at. “Hey fellas! What’d I miss?” 

Corie came up to Mercedes, the tray of beverages balanced on her arms. “Hey, Mercedes, did you find out how I should handle your friend?” 

Mercedes shook her head, “Don’t worry about him. He’s more of a pickles boy than a raisins one.” She grinned. 


	2. There's a Storm Coming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this chapter's pretty uneventful, but it's exposition and setup for some juicy stuff in the coming ones. Please stay with me, it will get better I promise. <3

Kenny didn’t have an a functional alarm clock, but luckily, he didn’t need one. Every day, as early as 4 a.m., he could rely on the smashing of one of the family’s inexplicably endless supply of vases, lamps, or any other shatterable ceramic nicknacks to greet him good morning.

“You fucking drunk piece of shit, I want you OUT!” his mother wailed.

“Shut up, bitch!” his father barked, his words all slurring together.

Kenny sighed and rolled out of his bed, if he was awake, there was no doubt in his mind that he wasn’t the only one. He tightened his hood and marched out to the sad excuse for a living room that his parents seemed to be using as an at-home Thunderdome for their brawl.

“Hey! Hey!” Kenny ran between the two, trying to break up the match.

“Go back to bed, Kenny!” Carol McCormick’s voice was trembling just as it always did. As he looked over his shoulder, he could see his father stumbling toward them with his fists balled up, ready to take a swing. Kenny didn’t see another alternative, he went back to his room and grabbed a bottle of what he calls “Peacemaker Liquor”, a specialty blend of Bacardi cut with nyquil. He poured two shots and ran back out into the arena.

“Mom! I made your favorite!” He announced, faking excitement over his little achievement.

“Hey, give me that!” Stewart stumbled over, determined to make a statement when he snatched the shot from his hand. He knocked it back without a second of hesitation and staggered over to the couch.

“Don’t worry, I have another!” He said as he pulled the second shot from behind his back and handed it over to his mother.

“Thank you, Kenny. My sweet little boy.” She cooed before swallowing the cocktail down.

Within minutes, the two were passed out, one on the dirty sofa and the other on the floor. From there, it was time for him to go on with his usual morning routine. He gathered the empty bottles from the floor and stuffed them into the biggest trash bag they had before dragging it all out to the backyard. After the mess was, to some degree, managed, he returned to his bedroom and donned his black and purple masterpiece of a superhero costume.

Mysterion may have been the symbol that his town needed, and the citizens could think all they wanted that South Park was the damsel that he swore to protect, but beneath the mask, she came second; the damsel that would always be the number one priority for the great and aloof Mysterion was little Karen McCormick. All that mattered was saving that little girl from a potential future poverty cursed her with. Kenny was devoted to making sure the only crystals in her spoon were sugar to make the medicine easier to swallow, not the ones that numbed her to the point that she forgot she was ever ill to begin with. His plan of attack? To be her guardian angel and help her through each morning her dreams were shattered with a vase.

“Karen, I’m here, there’s no need to worry.” Mysterion assured her, using the gruffest tone he could.

“Mysterion, it’s you!” Karen’s eyes lit up like it was Christmas morning when she recognized the familiar silhouette perched on her windowsill. “Did you save the day again?” She asked as he jumped down into the room and sat at the foot of her bed.

“I sure did. Nothing’s going to hurt you, Karen. I promise.” He said with a proud grin. “Have those closet monsters made an appearance lately?”

“Nope, not since you scared them off!” She sat up and pulled the blankets up further over her.

“Good. I’ll make sure all of the monsters go away, don’t ever forget that. I will always be here, watching over you, until you’re big enough to fight your own monsters, and even then, I. Will. Be. There.” He pledged. “You’re doing really good, Karen, don’t lose hope, keep working hard and believing in yourself.”

Karen nodded, wiping her nose on her sleeve. “But what if it’s hard? What if the other kids at school make fun of me?”

“Then believe in me. And if those other kids make fun of you, I need you to remember that I’m not the only hero in this town, your brother, Kenny, he’ll always be looking out for you. Do you understand?”

“Okay. Thank you, Mysterion. You’re my guardian angel.” She muttered softly as she watched her hero climb back out the window.

Kenny smiled to himself under the mask, for as long as Karen believed in some kind of magic, he knew she would be okay. He returned to his own room and quickly changed back into his signature orange parka getup, he was ready to start the day.

* * *

 

Once the school bell rang, it would be a whirlwind of chaos, every morning children flooded in all at once and swarmed to their lockers before making a mad dash to their classrooms. Butters had a strategy to avoid the madness, and that was to hang out at the lockers right outside the fourth grade class at least five minutes before the bell tolled. It was during that short interval that he spotted an all-too-familiar hooded figure walking a little girl to the 2nd grade classroom.

“Hey Ken!” Butters called from across the hall, waving his hand in the air. Kenny gave him a little wave and turned back to his sister to say goodbye before making his way over to the blonde in the teal sweater.

“Hey Butters.” He greeted with a muffled yawn.

“Oh boy, better be careful there, yawning is conta-” He followed suit and gave a big, exaggerated yawn, “-gious. Did you not sleep well last night?”

“Eh.” Kenny shrugged.

“Oh! Real quick, w-would you wanna have lunch with me and Mercedes today? She’s actually real cool but none of the girls wanna be her friend because she’s a raisins girl and Wendy told everyone that it’s degrading or something.” He stammered excitedly.

Kenny considered the offer, he already had an unspoken agreement with Stan, Kyle, and Cartman to have lunch with them for all eternity. But then again, Mercedes could get him perks at Raisins, and he would get to avoid Cartman which is always a plus. “Okay, why not?”

“Ha! Yeah! Alright!” Butters leaped and punched the air, like getting Kenny to hang out with him was a bigger victory than winning the superbowl.

Moments later, the bell rang and hell broke loose as the mobs began to pile in. It seemed like the blink of an eye before the fourth graders were all settled in their seats and waiting for their teacher to show up.

“I wonder if anyone’s told her that the whole stupid spoiled whore fad has been over since forever ago.” Bebe whispered to the small cluster of girls surrounding her.

“Seriously, someone needs to teach her to have some self-respect.” Another girl sneered, glancing over her shoulder to glare at Mercedes who was sitting next to Butters from across the room.

“I don’t know, maybe we’re jumping the gun a little, she could be a really nice girl.” Wendy suggested empathetically.

“Well I heard that she brought Stan to Raisins last night and there were girls all over him.” Bebe knew where to hit her where it hurts, jealousy has always been a weakness of Wendy’s, especially when it came to Stan. The brunette was speechless as she looked down the aisle of desks to see that Stan was sitting on the other side of the new girl.

“Everybody shut up and pay attention.” Mr. Garrison grumbled as he came through the door and closed it behind him. “We’re going to do math today.” He sighed as he started writing various algebra problems on the chalkboard. The teacher’s hangover was not even remotely subtle, and once there were a sufficient number of equations on the board, with a few absolutely unsolvable problems in the mix, he went to his desk and slumped over to get some much-needed shut-eye.

* * *

 

Soon enough, the bell’s shrill chime echoed through the classroom signaling the second-best part of the day: lunch.

“So Mercedes, you wanna meet up in the same spot?” Butters asked with a grin. “I hope you don’t mind but I invited Kenny to join us!”

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe another day, sweetie.” Mercedes dismissed him as politely as she could.

“W-wait but there’s no need to worry, Kenny’s really nice, and he had a great time at Raisins last night too. You’ll really like him if you get to know him, I just know it.” He was almost pleading at this point, and Kenny just watched awkwardly from a few feet away.

“Oh sugar, don’t get too upset, I think I’m just gonna try to talk to some of the girls today. Here, why don’t you come on back to Raisins tonight and bring Kenny along, too, I’ll get you guys a special table, the VIP treatment, alright? See ya!” She put a hand on his shoulder and gave it a reassuring little pet before strutting out the door.

“Well, geez. I’m sorry, Kenny, I didn’t know she had other plans.” He apologized, his head slumping down in disappointment.

“No problem! I have backup plans anyway!” Kenny told him, trying to comfort him even in the slightest.

“W-well we can also hang out after school! You heard her, we can get the- the full VIP treatment at Raisins!” The blonde offered eagerly.

“Yeah! VIP! Ya-hoo!” Kenny rejoiced, doing his own little victory dance.

Butters burst into delighted laughter, “That’s the spirit! Just come and meet me at my house after school and we can go together!” He grabbed his lunch from his backpack and darted out the door, “See you then, Kenny!”

“It’s a date.” The orange-hooded boy chuckled, giving him a thumbs up.

* * *

 

Mercedes approached the table at lunch with a signature Raisins-style plastic smile. “Hey girls, can you spare a seat?”

Every girl at the table went quiet and turned to glare at the standing blonde in unison.

“Why, so you can try to get us to work over at your strip club?” One sneered in response.

“Oh my god, there’s been a mistake, girls!” Mercedes giggled, “Raisins isn’t a strip club, it’s just a restaurant where we take advantage of boys who think with their...pants.”

“Yeah, for now.” Bebe spat. “But we all know what happens when Butters gets involved with something.”

“What do you mean? That sweetheart seems like he couldn’t hurt a fly!” She said, putting a hand over her chest to show just how astonished she was. The girls decided that maybe they should give her a chance and made room on one of the benches for her.

“Sit down, Mercedes. I’ll tell you everything.” Wendy looked up and prepared herself for a long lunch.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also thank you for all the feedback from Chapter 1, it takes a lot for me to get the nerve to post anything I make so your support is keeping me going here <3


	3. Chaos Rising

 

School was finally over and while no one was more relieved than Mr. Garrison, it was Kenny and Butters that came in a close second.

“Okay Ken, I’ll see you in an hour, I gotta do some chores before we head off or my dad’ll ground me again, but I’ll finish real fast!” Butters told him with a giddy laugh, “Whoopee!”

“You got it!” Kenny gave him a thumbs up before jogging over to the second grade class.

Just as he arrived at the classroom door, Karen walked out with her head down and her arms folded tightly together.

“Karen, what’s wrong?” Kenny asked, leaning down slightly to get a better view of her face.

“Nothing’s wrong, I’m just keeping warm, two of my buttons came off.” She opened her arms to show the opening in her ratty coat, revealing her pajama shirt underneath. Kenny frowned. Heidi had worn that coat religiously before donating it to the local goodwill, it was inevitable that it would eventually break again.

“I’ll fix it. Do you have the buttons?” He offered as they started walking out of the school.

“No, I lost them, don’t tell mama, she’ll be so sad. She got this for me special.” Karen moped. Little did she know, Kenny stole it from the donation bins himself two Christmases ago when his parents were at the very bottom of the pit of drug addiction.

“Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it.” He promised her as he ushered her onto her bus. “I’ll be home later tonight, okay?”

“Okay, bye Kenny, see you later!” She waved and walked slowly to the back of the bus.

It was some kind of miracle that just as he turned away, he saw a flier for City Wok; once again, Mr. Kim was hiring. Without a second thought, Kenny set off toward Mala Vista Drive, maybe if he worked quickly, he could still make it to Raisins before they closed.

* * *

 

4:30 p.m.

Butters had been waiting by the door for an hour now since he finished the dishes and tidied up his room, but there was no sign of Kenny yet. His parents had asked him a few times already what he was waiting for and when he was expecting company, and by then he could hear them discussing the possibility that he was seriously going insane again. It finally occurred to him that maybe, just maybe, Kenny had gone straight to Raisins instead of detouring to the Stotch residence first. In hindsight, it was a weird plan, his house was pretty far out of the way from the school to the little restaurant. Without a second thought, he grabbed his coat and ran out the door.

“I’m here! I’m here!” Butters cried as he burst through the double doors into Raisins. “Hi there, miss, it’s me, Butters.” He managed to gasp out as he tried to catch his breath.

“Um...okay…Welcome to Raisins.” The hostess greeted him with an uncomfortable smile. “Is it...just you tonight?”

“My friend…” he panted, “he’s on his way, or maybe he’s already here. He’s blonde, got some freckles on his nose and he’s probably wearing a big orange parka that covers his mouth. Mercedes said that she was gonna get us a table for the- the full VIP experience!” He announced exuberantly.

“Hm.. I don’t think I’ve seen him around, let me grab Mercedes though, one sec, sweetie!” The hostess excused herself and went to the back to grab Mercedes. A few moments later, Mercedes emerged from behind the kitchen door.

“Oh, hey cutie.” Mercedes greeted, Butters could sense something off about her tone, something like...pity?

“W-Well hi, is everything alright?” Butters asked, concerned by the awkward expression she was wearing.

“Yeah, sugar, but listen… We can’t have you coming by here anymore, you get it right?” She said, putting a hand on his shoulder. “But I’ll see you around school sometime! Bye, Butters!” Mercedes was trying to get rid of him as quickly as she could to avoid any further discomfort or confrontation.

“Wait, what are you saying, Mercedes? If it’s about the free meal, that’s alright, I can pay for myself, I just got my allowance and-” He was all over the place, trying to piece it all together.

“No, honey, that’s not the problem, you’re bad for business for other reasons. We run a classy establishment and we just don’t want to risk that. But thank you for being a loyal customer, I’m sure you’ll find another place to hang around. Buh-bye now!” She said as she tried once again to usher him out the door.

“Now hold on a second! I thought we were becoming really good friends, now all of the sudden, you don’t want me here? Are you gonna be ignoring me at school too next?” Butters accused as he tried to resist against her pushing him out the door.

“Oh honey, maybe. I just have a lot going on right now, you get that right? Run along now, sugar, bye now!” She went back inside and locked the door behind her.

For the second time, Butters’ heart was broken by a Raisins girl.

Raisins hurt him.

Raisins had to pay.

Butters ran home, it was time to unleash the one and only, Professor Chaos.

* * *

 

Gossip traveled quickly in the small town of South Park, and the story of Butters’ humiliating Raisins affair traveled at light speed all the way to historic ShiTpaTown. Jimmy had been having a single-sided conversation with Timmy about the whole incident as they were waiting for Mr. Kim to come to the register when Kenny finally realized the time. Outside, the sun was already setting and Raisins was set to close in less than two hours.

“Oh no!” He yelped as he threw the broom into the cleaning closet/kitchen area, “I have to go, I can come back tomorrow!” He called to Mr. Kim. Before his boss could even respond, he was out the door and en route to Butters’ place. He paused only for a second to see a sign posted to the pole of a street light advertising The Coon’s whereabouts that evening. He was scheduled to do an autograph session right outside of Raisins in within the hour, which meant that Cartman was undoubtedly already there. It was then that Kenny broke into a sprint and changed his course to his own home; if The Coon was there, that could only mean that Professor Chaos was bound to make a special guest appearance. He only had one option now: to save the day once again. 

* * *

 

The sun was setting and the terrible menace that was Professor Chaos was marching down the sidewalk, plotting his vengeance on Raisins. He didn’t have a clue as far as what he was going to do in terms of vengeance, but boy did he have an incredible and terrifying entrance planned. He was picturing it in his head like the scene from a movie, thunder clattering in the background as the girls all shrieked in horror, it would be glorious.

“Stop right there, Professor Chaos!” An all-too familiar voice demanded from the alley nearby.

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t The Coon! Come to put a stop to my evil plans?” Butters turned and posed menacingly at his nemesis.

“No, I came for a meet and greet with my fans, and I’ll be damned if you ruin this experience for them.” He declared before wailing and charging at the tin-foil-clad villain before him.

Considering he never really physically fought as Professor Chaos against The Coon (who had claws that appeared to have the potential to do some very serious damage), Professor Chaos panicked and just put out his fist and turned his head away to hide from any possible harm. Luckily for him, The Coon lacked the grace required to stop himself or dodge the foil-covered hand coming at him; he ran, face-first, into the waiting blow. For a moment, they both stood still, shocked and unsure of what had just occurred.

Professor Chaos was victorious. The moment The Coon realized the blood dripping from his nose beneath his mask, he shrieked and began sobbing on the floor, crying out for his mother.

“Muahahaha! Now no one can stop me!” Professor Chaos declared, exhilarated by the first win of his young life.

“Not so fast, Chaos.” A familiar gravelly voice interjected as a figure emerged from the alley behind The Coon.

“Hey look, it’s Mysterion! He’s gonna fight Professor Chaos again!” a bystander from across the street pointed toward the three and others began to gather to watch the battle.

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t my nemesis, Mysterion.” He sneered, sticking his bloodied fist out to show the trophy of his recent hit. “You’re just in time to watch me destroy this horrible house of lies and deceit!”

“Not a chance!” He swore as he approached him and shoved him backwards onto the sidewalk. Mysterion tackled Professor Chaos, pinning him down to the sidewalk; he realized that they had spectators, and there was only one way to end this whole thing so they both maintain their dignity. “This isn’t you, Chaos! You’re better than this, you’re not the kind of villain who goes to terrorize innocent little girls because they didn’t like you! You’re the kind of villain that ultimately wants to destroy all of society, not just throw a little sissy fit at a diner!” Mysterion shouted. “Now go to your lair or wherever your vile self calls home before you do something you regret!”

Butters was awestruck, he was frozen just gawking at the hero above him.

“You need me to tell you again?” Mysterion barked, as he got up and grabbed his collar, subtly helping him to his feet, “Wait, hit me.” he whispered, eyeing the crowd ‘oo’ing from across the street.

Professor Chaos cleared his throat and slapped the masked hero across the face as hard as he could before waving his cape and fleeing from the street with his best evil laugh. Mysterion fell to the ground, breathing a sigh of relief as their audience began to disperse.

“Wow. Nice job, Mysterion, challenging our arch nemesis to end the world, that’s what being a hero’s all about.” The Coon muttered sarcastically.

“Shut up, fatass.” He quipped as he pulled out another string of firecrackers and set them off to cover his speedy escape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for taking the time to read this! If you want to make my day, you can leave a comment or kudos, those are my biggest motivators for writing this thing LOL
> 
> Y'all are great and I am very happy you stopped by!


	4. All is Fair (Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I didn't proofread LOL
> 
> But this is the first part of a chapter and the second will be coming out by the end of the week!

As long as he could remember, Butters always liked going to school. Sure, seeing friends and having fun at recess was a compelling motivator, but in truth, he just really loved devoting himself to learning at least one new thing every day; his latest lesson? Adrenaline only lasts so long. He had only just passed the police station when he collapsed to the floor, his legs going limp beneath him after such a long sprint, but in that moment, it was the least of his worries. As Butters peeled back the home-made tin foil glove, all the pain flooded in with a wave of nausea all at once; his hand was swollen and red, and the knuckles of his ring and pinky fingers seemed to have vanished from sight. 

The blonde boy made haste in ripping off his villainous guise with his good hand and stashing it in a nearby bush. He knew that he couldn’t let Professor Chaos be seen in such a vulnerable position, especially after such a bad-ass win against the town’s most well known vigilante and The Coon. Butters managed to get a few more steps in before falling again and letting out the second loudest wail he’d ever cried in his life. 

“Butters!” Just as luck would have it, Butters’ father just so happened to be driving by to witness his breakdown. “What the hell are you doing?!” 

“N-nothing, Sir.” Butters sniffed and slowly got up, holding his injured arm under his sweater. 

“Don’t you sass me, young man! You get in this car right now!” Mr. Stotch barked from the car window because, after all, nothing goes better with injury than a good ol’ grounding. 

“Yes, sir…” He hung his head low and hobbled over to the car. It was going to be a very long night. 

* * *

To say The Coon was pissed would be the understatement of a lifetime. Not only was his meet and greet totally ruined by the Freedom Pals’ poster boy, but Professor Chaos even had the nerve to call him his nemesis! This could only mean one thing: there were now two evils in this town, and it was his duty to save South Park from the inevitable crossfire that was about to ensue. He had to come up with a plan, and fast. Unless, of course, he could buy some time. 

“MYAAAAAAMMM!” Cartman’s shrill cry echoed off the walls as he burst into his home in tears. 

“Coming, poopsie-kins!” His mother’s sing-songy voice rang back from the kitchen. Once she reached the living room, she cupped a hand over her mouth in shock and rushed over to his side when she saw the blood draining from his nose. “Eric, sweetie, tell mommy what happened.” She soothed him as she moved his hands to examine his nose. 

“I-I was p-p-playing with my f-f-frieeeends,” He sobbed dramatically, “and theeen, they said I wasn’t c-cooool and-and I was a lame suuuperhero…” He sniffed and wiped his eyes as his mother dabbed at the blood with a tissue. “And I asked them niiicely to stop being meeaaan, and B-Butters started b-beating me u-u-up!” He sobbed. 

“Oh honey, now why did he do that?” She asked as she rubbed his back and pinched his nose lightly to see the extent of the damage. 

“B-Because they’re jeaaaalous of my c-cool costume a-and c-creativityyyy.” He whined. 

“There there, sweetie, it’ll be alright.” Liane crooned as she gave him a hug, “It doesn’t look like your nose is broken, so it will feel better in no time!” She assured him. 

“B-but now I’m scaaared that h-he’s going to hurt s-someone eeeelse,” The boy continued, refusing to let up. “A-and I just want my friends to be sa-a-a-afe!” He was crying hysterically, if he was going to buy time to formulate a plan of vengeance, he needed to be sure that Butters would be locked up for a good while. 

“Don’t you worry, Eric, I’ll call and talk to his mother and we will get this all sorted out, alright?” She rose to her feet and gave his head a reassuring pet. 

“B-but mooom, w-what if he knows I t-told on him and tries to beat me up again?” He clung to her leg and gave her his best, most manipulative puppy eyed stare. 

“Oh honey, I’ll make sure that doesn’t happen, I’ll ask her to leave your name out of it.” Liane promised as she began making her way to the kitchen to use the phone, dragging her son along the way. 

‘ _ Perfect.’  _ Cartman thought to himself. The wheels were turning, it was only a matter of time before his two foes would learn their lessons. 

* * *

The next morning, school was buzzing with kids; most of them congregated at the playground in their own little cliques, but this morning, it looked like the goths decided to emerge from the shadows for the first time since anyone could remember. Henrietta scoffed as she took a drag of her cigarette. 

“That little dork better clear out of our spot soon.” She complained, rolling her eyes. 

“Seriously, all these colors are giving me a fucking migraine.” Michael retorted as he dug his fists deeper into the pockets of his oversized trench coat. 

“Fucking conformists.” Pete chimed in with a flip of his hair. 

“If I ever become like them, I want you to slit my throat and sacrifice me to the dark lord Cthulhu so I can wallow in agony for all eternity.” Finkle, the most hardcore kindergartner in all of Colorado, said in monotone. 

“Same.” The other three replied in unison. 

Much to Henrietta’s chagrin, a bubbly fourth grader bounded over to them with a beaming smile, “Hey there, guys! I almost forgot you even go here!” 

“Go away, dork!” She threatened, rolling her eyes at her little brother.

“Aw, come on, can’t we just hang out till school starts?” He begged, his voice was like unicorn nails on a rainbow chalkboard and all four of the goths groaned. 

“Hm… We’ll let you walk near us to the bus after school if you can do something for us.” Finkle offered, taking a drag of their cigarette.

“That’s all? How about-” 

“God, do you want to hang out with us or not, twerp?!” Henrietta snapped at him. 

“Y-yeah! What do I gotta do?” Bradley gave in, eager to accept any opportunity to have a moment of his sister’s time.

“Go to the back of the school and find out why the fat kid is taking so long in our spot.” The kindergoth told him. 

“A-alright! Mint-Berry Crunch is on the job!” Bradley announced heroically as he ran off behind the school. The four goths watched as he disappeared around the corner.

“Ugh, I’m gonna be sick.” Michael muttered.

Bradley ducked down behind the stairs at the rear of the school house, doing his very best to avoid getting spotted by a pacing Eric Cartman. 

“Come on, come on…” he mumbled to himself in frustration. He was clearly waiting for someone, but who? And why would they meet behind the school?

“Sorry I’m late!” The voice was female, Bradley noted. 

“Quiet! Do you want everyone to know we’re here? Jesus Christ!” Cartman scolded with a loud whisper. “Do you have the proof I asked for?” 

“Proof? You never said anything about proof, all you wanted was information. The girls and I all agree that he’s definitely at least bi.” The girl sounded familiar, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on where he knew it from. 

“No shit! Everyone that looks at Butters can tell he’s fucking gay, I need something I can show everyone so I can ruin his life!” Cartman was fuming, and whoever was on the receiving end of that slowly building rage was about to get it. 

“Hey! I never said I didn’t  _ have _ it, I just said our initial agreement was for information. The proof is gonna cost you, sugar.” She replied.

“You can’t be seriously right now, I gave you FIFTY FUCKING DOLLARS!” Eric shouted before sighing in defeat. “Okay, fine. I have… ten-” 

“Oh no, I name the price on this one.” The girl said, the smirk on her face was evident in the very sound of her voice. “I want you to get these boys into Raisins.” 

“What the- Craig’s gang? Why the hell do you want them there?” Cartman asked in disbelief. 

“They’re the richest kids in school, they’re bound to be good tippers and I have it on good authority that Clyde there has a shoe store and zero self control when it comes to girls. Get them in there and I’ll give you what you want.” It was weird to hear someone else have the upper hand over such a manipulative mastermind, and Bradley couldn’t help but take satisfaction in hearing the tables turn. 

“Fine, but you have to give me something, at least, show me you really do have what I want.” He insisted. 

After the sound of a zipper and paper crinkling, Bradley heard Cartman gasp in awe. He didn’t know what the mystery girl had, but it was definitely something big. The bell rang soon after and Bradley realized he completely forgot to finish his little mission. 

“Oh darn it!” He cursed as he ran into the building once the coast was clear. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for sticking with me here, things are starting to get rolling from here, so if you have any input on things you like, dislike, or want to see, let me know!


	5. All is Fair (Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part two is here! 
> 
> I'll try to do weekly updates from here on, but as always, comments make me happy so let me know what you liked, didn't like, or what you'd like to see!!

“It’s called a boxer’s fracture! I got it from punching a guy out!” Butters was giddy from all the attention he was getting for his cast. 

“Damn, Butters, who’d you hit?” Stan asked. 

His timing could not have been more impeccable, at that very moment, Eric Cartman waddled through the door with a big purple bruise on the bridge of his nose. The boys that were just crowding the blonde went dead silent. 

“What’s up, guys.” Cartman sat down, praying that by some kind of miracle, no one had noticed his nose. 

“...Not much, man.” Stan replied as casually as he possibly could. “How about you?” 

“Same, same.” He muttered, staring daggers into the blank chalkboard in front of him. The awkward tension in the air was thick enough to choke on, and for the first time in his young life, Cartman found himself hoping that Mr. Garrison would walk through the door and break the horrible silence. 

“Wow, Butters, if I could break my wrist on Cartman’s face, I’d be sooooo happy.” Craig said, his enthusiasm masked by his natural tendency to speak in complete monotone. All the boys nodded or murmured in agreement. It took all of Cartman’s strength to not blow up or say anything, he instead just sunk down in his seat, soothing himself with thoughts of his revenge.

“Well hey, fellas, I never said it was Eric.” Butters interjected. 

“Ha- yeah! I didn’t get hit by fucking Butters, that would be super fucking lame!” Cartman perked up immediately, turning around to defend his honor. 

“Then who hit you?” Kyle challenged, crossing his arms. 

“Pft. A biker.” Cartman scoffed, crossing his arms. 

“A biker hit you.” The boy replied sarcastically, “Where did you run into a biker?” 

“What’s up with the third degree? Huh, Kyle?! Why the fuck do you wanna know?!” Cartman barked and turned back in his seat in a huff, shaking his leg in frustration. The room again fell into awkward silence. 

“Where  _ did _ you see a biker?” Craig asked. 

“Shut up, Craig!” Cartman was one remark away from going on a full on rampage. 

“Alright kids, settle down. We’ve got a test today on history.” Mr. Garrison was greeted with a collective “boo” from the students. “Oh hush, if any of you little shits paid attention for a second you’d be fine. Now put away your crap and shut your damn pie-holes.”

* * *

 

Lunch came around and Butters was actively avoiding any mention of his cast, and with Cartman trying to oversell his lie of kicking some biker’s ass, it wasn’t as difficult as he anticipated. 

“No, guys, I think there’s a chance he might be right. Maybe he did beat up a biker.” Kyle said, earning a look of skeptical gratitude from Cartman. 

“Ha, yeah, see guys? I fucking told you-” 

“If the bike had pink training wheels.” He finished, grinning confidently as his diss was commemorated with a resounding “Ooo” from the surrounding boys. Butters couldn’t help but burst out into laughter. 

“SHUT UP, YOU FUCKING JEW!” He yelled as he rose to his feet and got into a fighting stance. “Come on, I’ll fucking show you! I’m gonna kick your ass, Kyle!” 

“Dude, come on, I’m eating.” The boy’s voice was fifty shades of done. 

“What, you gonna pussy out? Come on, Kyle, let’s fucking fight!” 

“Sit down, fatass, we know you’re bluffing just admit that Butters kicked your ass and get over it!” Kyle’s voice was progressively growing louder as Cartman stepped over and over again on his last nerve.

“No, he didn’t, tell him Butters!!” Cartman was fuming and it didn’t look like he was going to settle in the near future. When Butters stayed quiet and took another bite of his sandwich, Cartman was a moment away from turning his aggressions onto him.

“No, dude, I was there, he kicked your ass.” Kenny finally interjected, his voice muffled by his hood, as always. 

“Fuck you, Kenny!” It finally occurred to him that everyone was staring and no one seemed even remotely amused by his tantrum. “God fucking dammit. Fine! Screw you guys, I’m going home!” He grabbed his half-empty bag of chips and stormed out of the cafeteria. 

Butters got up and jogged after him, while it was true that he was indeed the cause of the bruise on his nose, he didn’t want it to be like this. “Hey, Eric, wait up!” 

“What  _ the fuck _ could you possibly fucking want?” Cartman was standing with his back turned away from Butters in the hallway, fists clenched at his side, crushing the remaining chips in the bag. 

“Listen, I-I’m sorry you got hurt and all those fellas are making fun of you for being a big sissy.” He said, rubbing his knuckles together anxiously. Cartman slowly turned around, revealing the tears in his eyes.

“Butters…” He said quietly, his tone almost threatening. “Do you know why I’m upset?” He asked, taking a step closer to the blonde. 

“I-uh, is it because I-I punched you?” Butters gulped. 

“No, I forgive you for that, because I’m a good fucking person, Butters, don’t forget that.” He said as he took another step toward him. “I’m upset because if they think I’m a sissy, how long before…” He paused and looked around before whispering “How long before they find out...that I’m gay?” 

Butters eyes widened at the revelation. “Y-you are? How do you know?”

“You think I have a fucking choice here, Butters?! I am who I am and I was born this way! What, are you a fucking homophobe?! Where do you get off invalidating MY sexual identity huh?!” Eric shoved him, and Butters was stuttering nonsense in absolute terror. 

“No! No that’s not it at all! I-I’m happy for you, I promise!” He stammered, trying to save his own ass from a total nightmare of a misunderstanding. “I just… I wanted to know because… I just found out I’m a little bi-curious.” 

“Y-you are?” Cartman asked, wiping the crocodile tears from his cheeks. “Well, as someone who’s super progressive and comfortable with my own sexuality, if you have any questions, I’m basically an expert. Tell me what you’re feeling, let’s help you get a little less curious.” He ushered Butters over to the alcove behind the lockers, somewhere completely void of kids during lunch and recess. 

“R-really? You’d do that?” Butters felt a wave of relief rush over him. “Oh geez, Eric, you really are a great pal!” He grinned. 

“I know, now let’s rap, shall we?” He asked as he sat on the floor, beckoning Butters to take the spot next to him. 

“Well… See, it started that one time when my dad kicked you out of my room, he told me I was bi-curious and I didn’t know what that meant, but I was definitely confused, then Preacher also told me I was confused, then I got sent to this camp, you see, and-” Butters was fiddling with his hands as he told his little tale. 

“Yes, I see, hm...Now let’s fast-forward why are you thinking you’re bi-curious now?” Cartman interrupted.

“Well I just sometimes get these weird feelings about boys, and sometimes I have these dreams, and they make me so happy that my creamy-” Butters admitted quietly. 

“Ah yes,” Cartman butted in with a cough, trying to spare himself from the rest of his oversharing. “That sounds like you are definitely bisexual, Butters.” He diagnosed with a confident nod. 

“I-I am?” 

“Yes, you still like girls right?” Eric asked, raising his eyebrow. 

“W-well sure! They’re real pretty and some of them are real nice and smell like flowers-” He said in a dreamlike tone. 

“Stop, I’m gay remember? Girls totally repulse me, you’re gonna make me puke.”

“O-oh sorry!” Butters apologized. 

“It’s alright, you didn’t know. But these feelings, those dreams, are they about anyone here at our school?” He asked, his plan was working better than he ever could have hoped. 

“Well… Sometimes, but I can’t say who, I-I don’t even know for sure-” Butters was a stuttering wreck, and while he wasn’t quite at Tweek’s level, he was definitely getting closer by the second. 

“Butters, Butters, you don’t have to be confused anymore, you know who you are now. You can tell me, I’m your gay best friend, my whole purpose is to know all your secrets and give you great fashion advice.” Eric reassured him with a flip of his hair. 

“Oh...Oh alright…” He looked around, making sure no one was there to hear any of it. “I think Bradley’s kinda cute, he’s real nice too-” Butters whispered. 

“What- Bradley? Are you seriously right now, Butters?” Cartman argued, refusing to accept that Mint-Berry fucking Crunch would be desirable to fucking anyone. 

“W-What am I wrong?” He asked, startled by his friend’s accusatory tone. 

“No, no…It’s not wrong, it’s just…” Cartman turned his face away dramatically, “No, I shouldn’t say, I don’t want to crush your dreams.” 

“No, wait! I- I don’t have dreams about him, tell me!” Butters insisted.

“Bradley Biggle is… He’s a pedophile, I’m so sorry Butters. He only dates third graders. Oh god, I knew I shouldn’t have said anything!” He put his face in his hands, shaking his head in faux regret. 

“What- gross! I don’t want to date a stinkin’ pedophile!” The blonde crossed his arms.

“Oh thank god, you’re too old for him anyway. But wait, if he’s not the one you’re having dreams about, who is the boy of your dreams, Butters? Promise I won’t tell.” Cartman pried, if he was going to exact his revenge, he needed to find out his biggest weakness.

“Pinky promise?” Butters asked, holding out his hand. 

“Pinky promise, now who is it?” He asked. Just as Butters leaned in to whisper in his ear, the bell began blaring and Butters shot up like a startled rabbit.

“Oh no, we missed recess! Come on, Eric, let’s get back to class!” He offered his hand to pull him up. 

“What- no! You have to tell me your crush!” He barked.

“Sorry, I can’t be late again or teacher might call my dad, I’m already grounded enough as is!” Butters called as he started running back to his classroom. “See you in class, Eric!” 

_ Motherfucker.  _ Cartman thought to himself in frustration. 


	6. Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is ridiculously short and I'm really so sorry for that. I've been stuck on this all week and I could not find out a way to move the story to where I need it but hopefully it will only go up from here! Thank you again for all your continued support and I'm really glad you've stuck around this far, you're the bomb-dot-com.

Kenny often prided himself on his prowess in lockpicking, but his skills were definitely failing him at that moment. Had Butters’ locker been secured with a key, Kenny would have been in and out in no time, but trying to figure out the damned combo was a nightmare that he wasted his entire lunch on, recess included, much to his chagrin. The bell rang and  Kenny punched the metal cabinet in frustration.

The evening before, he made a point to follow Butters from a distance after the showdown outside of Raisins, he heard the sound of bone cracking many times before, it haunted his nightmares regularly, he knew better than anyone that Butters was about to be in a world of pain. He witnessed the transformation of the villainous Professor Chaos returning to the innocent, lovable little Butters Stotch, and even Kenny couldn’t help but to shudder when he heard that pained yowl coming from his friend. The moment he saw Mr. Stotch drive by and pick him up, Kenny made his way over to the bush and gathered his disguise, it wouldn’t take long for someone to come by and either steal it or throw it away thinking they’re doing the ecosystem some kind of favor. They would be wrong. 

“H-hey Ken!” Butters greeted gleefully.

“Hey!” Kenny jumped, startled by the sudden approach. He scrambled to get the wrapped box hidden behind his back, hoping that Butters hadn’t noticed already. 

“Wh-what’s going on?” He asked, glancing from Kenny to the locker, then back to him. 

“Nothing, just uh, hanging out” Kenny insisted, trying his best to play it off as nonchalantly as he possibly could. 

“...Are you sure? I...I kind of saw you punch my locker and-” Butters muttered, his eyes lowering to the floor.

“No, no, I just… I found this in the lost and found and it had your name on it, I thought you might want it back.” He said, handing over the old shoebox wrapped in that morning’s newspaper.

“A present? Oh boy! For me? But my birthday’s not till September 11th!” Butters was absolutely giddy, he could hardly contain himself. 

“Yeah, a present.” Kenny found it funny sometimes, the way that Butters could get so excited over the littlest things despite knowing that 9 times out of 10, it would turn out to be some kind of cruel prank or ploy to make him a total laughing stock. 

“Gee, Kenny, you’re a real pal, you know that?” He held the box close to his ear and gave it a good shake. “Is it socks?” The blonde asked, hearing the distinct rustle of fabric. 

“Careful!” He interjected. “It’s kind of fragile, just wait till after school.” 

It was like Butters completely forgot where he was, the present eclipsing all and any semblance of the world around him. “Oh no! Come on, we gotta get to class!” 

Butters grabbed Kenny’s arm with his good hand and bounded down the hall. Just as they reached the threshold of the door, the late bell rang and Butters breathed a sigh of relief as he walked over to his desk and slumped over, catching his breath. Kenny plopped down in the seat two desks over, right behind none other than Eric Cartman. 

“Pst, Kenny.” He whispered, leaning back as far as he could manage while fake-stretching. Kenny ignored him. Cartman twisted in his chair, pretending to try and crack his back, trying to get his attention again. “Hey Keeeeny!” He whispered. Kenny didn’t budge, he just continued to scribble on the edge of his paper. 

“GOD DAMMIT KENNY YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE-” Cartman turned around in his chair and barked right in his face. 

“ERIC CARTMAN! Watch your language!” Mr. Garrison shouted back, raising a snicker out of Kenny. “Geez. Now children, if you could all take out a piece of paper, we’re going to be going over the origins of feminism…” 

Cartman was fuming but he grabbed a folded note from his backpack and slammed it down on Kenny’s desk, a gesture that somehow went unnoticed by their teacher. Kenny finally huffed in defeat and opened the note,  _ Coon and Friends base, 4:00 today COME ALONE.  _ He couldn’t help but scoff at the crayon-colored letterhead Cartman drew in the top margin, it was sloppy work at best, but Kenny made a mental note to ask Token about getting some stationary printed with the Freedom Pals insignia, just to spite him. 

* * *

“Welcome, Mysterion, take a seat.” The Coon greeted as he swiveled in his chair at the head of the table. “I see punctuality isn’t one of your superpowers.”

At that, Mysterion pivoted on his heel and began walking back up the basement stairs, he wasn’t there to be Cartman’s punching bag. Work ran late and he honestly didn’t care enough to show up to begin with, Cartman was lucky to get him at 6:00.

“Wait! Wait, I’m sorry, that wasn’t cool.” The Coon urged as he beckoned over to the waiting seat across the table and cleared his throat. “Please, take a seat.” 

Mysterion hesitated for a moment before finally sighing and walking over to the waiting chair. “What do you want, Coon? We’ve made it clear that none of the Freedom Pals are coming back, so don’t bother-”  

“Yes, I know. But what if I told you I found a way to make  _ all _ our dreams come true.” He offered, pressing his fingertips together as he leaned forward onto his elbows. 

“God dammit, Coon, no!” Mysterion started getting back up, mentally scolding himself about how he should have known it would just be another ploy. 

“Wait, just hear me out, okay?!” He insisted. “Mysterion, just listen.” The Coon stood up and lowered the lights, setting up the slideshow he had prepared. 

“I have a plan that would bring both the Coon and Friends and Freedom Pals franchises together without sacrificing anything from either side and get all of us the most profit possible.” He insisted, Mysterion just crossed his arms in response, reluctantly deciding to hear the rest of the pitch. 

“Perfect. So what I’m proposing is a merger, involving the iconic figureheads of both organizations. As you remember, last year the Asian girls chose the town’s resident gay kids, Tweek and Craig.” He clicked the remote, the next slide showing a collage of some of the more popular murals and art they created in the boys’ honor. “Now, since the town is trying really hard to be PC and super progressive, I estimate that their relationship earned them a profit of roughly…” he clicked to the next slide, “Two. Thousand. Dollars.”

Mysterion was regretfully intrigued.

“As you know, they have since broken up, and their differences have been confirmed to be irreconcilable, which means that their place as South Park’s favorite gay couple is up for the taking. Speaking of gays, did you know Netflix is launching a reboot of ‘Queer Eye for the Straight Guy’?” He continued. “Homosexuality has become the secret ingredient to guaranteed success, Mysterion. Which brings me to the merger.” The Coon looked over at Mysterion, a mischievous grin on his face. “You, and me, can be the Romeo and Juliet of Coon and Friends and Freedom Pals.” The other hero scoffed.

“You can’t be serious.” He argued, rolling his eyes, the whole idea sounded like some kind of ridiculous joke. 

“I’m super seriously, Mysterion. Think about it, both of our franchises were lacking the romance factor, it would bring in a huge chick fanbase, the gays would rally behind us, and if anyone tried to shit on us, they’ll be called homophobes! No one would have a choice but to pick up BOTH franchises, it’s perfect!” Cartman was an expert on making his twisted logic sound reasonable, and much to Kenny’s chagrin, he couldn’t fight it. 

“You’re suggesting exploiting a community for our own monetary gain.” He muttered, gritting his teeth. 

“Exactly.” The Coon said as he came over to the seat next to Mysterion. 

“What makes you think I’d ever want to date you?” He glared, crossing his arms. 

“Fake date, Mysterion. Think of the money, we can split everything, 60/40, we’ll be filthy stinkin’ rich!” Cartman laughed, giddy at the prospect of his success. 

“60/40, no fucking way!” Mysterion began to rise to his feet, when the Coon’s claws dug into his bicep, pulling him back into the chair. 

“No, Mysterion. 60 to us, 40 to the franchise. Just look, I already got Wendy to commission the Asian girls to make the art for it, people will go nuts for this stuff!” His eyes were beaming with excitement. It was an offer that Kenny couldn’t refuse, he really did need the money; Cartman was, unfortunately, right. 

“I’ll consider it.” Mysterion muttered, gritting his teeth. 

“Good, but just so you know, this offer expires tomorrow night, so don’t keep me waiting.” He stood up and held his hand out to Kenny for a shake. 

“Yeah, I got it…” Mysterion replied as he got up again and made his way up the stairs, completely dismissing the gesture. 

Eric Cartman’s day turned out to be better than he could have ever imagined. 

 


	7. Due Time

Cartman woke in a cold sweat. For almost a week, he had the same nightmare over and over again and not even his perfect plot for vengeance could expel the horror that haunted his dreams.

_ “Well, well, well, if it isn't my nemesis, Mysterion!” _

It was never supposed to be Mysterion, from the very beginning, since the birth of the epic franchise, it was always meant to be the fated mortal enemies, Professor Chaos and The Coon. They were going to be the next Batman and Joker, Superman and Lex Luthor, the epic rivalry was crucial for securing his place in comic franchise history and ultimately, his exuberant fortune. With Mysterion in the mix, he couldn't help fearing that he may be doomed to a life of only semiluxury. The thought sickened him, but hopefully not for long. Everything was going to plan, and his revenge was close enough to taste.

 

Phase 1: Bribe a Raisins girl to seduce Butters into telling all his secrets. From there, he will lure in Kenny and the other backstabbing fucking traitor asshole and keep them busy at Raisins as a diversion. While they're enjoying their complimentary meal that was actually secretly paid for in advance, Mosquito will infiltrate the evil lair of the original treasonist, Mysterion, and find his weakness. What he found was a goldmine that was greater than Cartman could have ever hoped for.

Phase 2: Read Kenny’s diary cover to cover and make as many copies possible before Kinkos asks him to leave. Upon finding out that Kenny has his eye set on someone, do whatever is necessary to make sure he can NEVER have them by exploiting his poverty. 

Phase 3: Manipulate Wendy using her feminist agenda and insecurity in her relationship into getting the Asian girls to make yaoi art of him and Kenny as well as Mysterion and the Coon. Allowing Call Girl into Coon and Friends was annoying, but ultimately he had to admit that a girl was necessary for the success of any superhero franchise. 

Phase 4: Make a shitload of money by fake dating Kenny.

Phase 5: Break up with Kenny in a very public scene and turn the whole town against him, (“Pulling a Tweek") and earn the sympathy of the entire fan base. 

Phase 6: Sue Kenny for emotional distress and ruin his entire fucking life.

* * *

 

In the coming weeks, Butters once again became Eric Cartman’s faithful disciple. Since Cartman “came out” to Butters, the two had become inseparable. While he refused to admit still who this mysterious crush of his may have been, Cartman was fairly certain that it was none other than Kenny McCormick. If he were correct, he would have everything he ever wanted in just shy of a week.

Coonicon was coming up, and after discussing the matter with Mysterion, it was agreed that the convention was the perfect location to debut their faux-mance. With the addition of the Freedom Pals in the guest lineup, attendance at the convention was set to be at a record high. To handle all the details and ticket sales, Cartman enlisted Butters as the lead volunteer. With the Coon and Friends franchise followers, obligated family attendees, and some good ol’ fashion pity sales, Butters’ ticket sales had reached the triple digits with a week, earning the Coon somewhere around fifteen hundred dollars. Eric Cartman was without question, the happiest boy alive. 

Kenny, however, was a different story. As it were, he was disgusted and repulsed enough at the thought of having to fake-date Cartman, but there was a whole new level of sickening he felt when witnessing Butters’ descent into darkness. He couldn’t figure it out. Not too long ago, Kenny had found Butters crying in the bathroom with a nail file trying to shave off the word “Twink” from his cast, apparently left by Cartman in an attempt to have Butters “take ownership of his identity”. He had to spend his whole lunch calming him down and by the end of it, Kenny ended up just adding on to turn it into “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star”, a kind sentiment, but according to Butters, it only made him look “more gay”. Sure enough, after school Butters was following Cartman at his heels like a puppy dog and worshipping the ground he walked on. It drove Kenny up the fucking wall. 

“Has anyone else noticed that Cartman hasn’t eaten with us for two weeks?” Stan asked, glancing around the cafeteria. 

“I’m not complaining, it’s been nice to eat without listening to the fatass belittle my people.” Kyle shrugged and took a sip of his soda. 

“He’s probably too busy planning that stupid convention thing.” Kenny grumbled as he pushed the peas around his tray. 

“I don’t know, dude, people all around town are talking about Coonicon, I think he might actually be on to something.” Stan muttered between bites. “Apparently, he even got a Netflix representative to show up.”

“The only reason anyone’s going to that thing is because he’s promised a complimentary buffet and an open bar. People can’t resist an open bar.” Kyle huffed. 

“Well yeah, but that’s only if you attend a panel.” Stan pointed out. “Then you get a voucher for the food, and then you have to buy $100 worth of merch to get the coupon for the bar.” 

“How did you become the expert?” Kyle asked with a half-chuckle. 

“I went on the website, why is that so weird?” Stan glanced over at Kenny. “Hey, dude are you alright?” He asked, concerned by his lack of involvement.

“Yeah. Fine.” Kenny muttered, dropping his fork. “Can’t we talk about something besides Cartman?” 

“Dude what’s going on? You’ve been acting mopey all week and it’s kinda getting old.” Kyle said sympathetically. 

“It’s just Butters, he used to be fun and shit but now Cartman’s made him his little lackey and it’s annoying as fuck.” Kenny picked his fork back up and stabbed at his peas. 

“Come on, that happens all the time. Butters goes through those kinds of phases at least once a month.” Stan replied. “Why’s it bothering you though? You never seemed to give a shit before.” 

“Well maybe I do, Stan! Maybe I do fucking care about what happens to our fucking friends!” Kenny stood up, his frustrations flaring into a fit. “Maybe I don’t want FUCKING Eric Cartman to hurt my FUCKING friend!” 

The cafeteria was silent. 

“Dude…” Kyle finally muttered, eyes wide in awe. 

“No, you know what? No, I’m going to get the fuck out of here. I’ve fucking had it with all your guys’ bullshit. Fuck you guys.” Kenny stormed out of the cafeteria. It was unheard of that he would throw such a tantrum, he was always the chill, go-with-the-flow one of the group. 

Just outside the cafeteria doors, Butters was waiting by Cartman’s locker with a clipboard and a stack of envelopes. The scene was the last thing Kenny needed to witness at that moment. 

“Oh hey, Ken!” Butters greeted gleefully. 

“Butters,” Kenny sighed, exasperated. “We need to talk.” 

“O-oh alright. Is everything okay?” Butters had fear in his eyes, and rightfully so. He was near certain that it was those four words that caused Van Gogh to cut off his own ear, and in his experience, it was never good.

“Butters, why the hell are you doing this?” Kenny gestured to the clipboard, clearly annoyed by the presence of the thing. 

“Well, what do you mean? I’m helping with the convention.” Butters blinked, confused as to what Kenny was trying to get at. 

“No, helping Cartman. He treats you like fucking garbage, why are you helping him? He’s the fucking worst.” 

“Well yeah, but Kenny, he’s not all bad. If you knew why he is the way he is, you’d understand.” Butters replied with a half-smile. He still couldn’t quite tell why Kenny was interested at all. 

“And why is that? What reason could he possibly have to be that way? It just doesn’t make any sense!” Kenny let out a frustrated laugh, he was moments away from pulling out his hair when Butters put a hand on his arm.

“If I tell you, you have to swear to keep it secret, okay?” He glanced around to be sure they were still alone.

“I swear.”  Kenny couldn’t take his eyes off Butters as he nodded eagerly. 

“Well alright… Kenny, Cartman’s gay. Like, not in a lame way, in the he likes boys way, gay.” Butters explained. 

“What does that have to do with him being an asshole to you?” Kenny asked. 

“You’re not even surprised? Wow, Ken, you must have a gift, I know I never saw that one coming-” He babbled, trying to avoid the question at hand.

“Butters… Answer the question.” Kenny insisted. Butters bit his lip anxiously.

“Oh alright… Kenny, he’s helping me with...my own stuff.” He rubbed the back of his neck and lowered his head to avoid his eyes. “I got this crush you see, and he said he’d help me-” 

“I’m stopping you right there.” Kenny put a hand up. “Eric Cartman has no friends, no one likes him, and there is no way anyone would ever want to be set up by him. Whoever your crush is, you’re better off talking to him on your own.” 

“Y-you know? About me?” Butters asked with wide, fearful eyes. 

“I… I had a feeling.” Kenny pressed his lips together, realizing he’s said too much.

“Did Cartman tell you?” 

“Yes! Cartman told me everything.” Kenny found his out. 

“Please don’t tell Bradley.” Butters blurted out. “I know his type is third graders, but I mean, if you think about it, that’s not a big deal! Cartman says he’s a pedophile but I found out that’s not true and it was just some nasty rumor so I think I’ve got a real chance!” Now that was the shocker.

“No, I.. I promise, I won’t say anything.” He mumbled and shook his head. 

“Thanks, Ken, you really are the best!” Butters shot him a smile filled with relief and sincerity. 

Just as it did every day, the bell beckoned them back to class. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really struggling with this story, between being sick and losing inspiration for this, it's rough buddy.
> 
> But thank you for sticking around this far, I'm eternally grateful for each of you!


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